Lingering is so very lonely when one lingers all alone

The above is a saying by Mervyn Peake, the author of Gormenghast series. Well I am trying my very limited skills at writing after a long time and that is because I have been left "lingering alone" after such a long time. The above saying is apt to its last syllable, I know it because I've already 'bore the brunt' for two long years and so have many people like me. When I retrace my labyrinth of time and relive the moments day after day, I can say that being alone is a silence that one's conscience hears so loud that one can never hide from. The trend is generally the same for all. It begins with working your day out with the usual chores when you are so much in the vicinity of things happening around you. The day subsides to give its way to the evenings when you live "make believe" moments of joy, laughter, partying, shopping spree, exploring the town, etc, etc, but down to the very nooks and corners of your soul you want to spend time when you are cared for and can care for. Then finally comes the night when the darkness puts you in vortex of flames; the miseries which engulf you the better half the night till you realize the next morning that your pillows have been soiled by your tears.

My moments were not much different, when there was work load, when there were people around me I never felt a thing, I was engrossed in the moment and living it to the fullest because I dreaded that the night would eventually come and drag me down. Working for over 14 hours a day and crashing on the usual bed with no one to talk to was my daily regime. There was never much to do when I returned from work, with the exception of the occasional PC gaming and the very rare stares at the idiot box till the time killed itself to give way to sleep. At work we used to define sleep as 'charging our batteries to gear up for the next days routine'. The nights used to open the secret windows of my mind where I wanted to speak to some one, where I wanted to hear from some one. The nights lured me to chase that imaginary person with whom I can share my words, my feelings, my thoughts, my tears, my smiles. The nights were like the howls of the dog in the distant whom I can't find and neither turn a deaf ear to. The nights opened up those moments when I so wanted to be hugged by someone so that I can cry my tear glands dry and leave the reminiscence of the tears so that I know that I have a shoulder to turn to when the going gets tough, but that never happened, there were times when I wanted to simply look into the eyes of that some one special and dive into a fairy tale world, but that never happened, there were times when I wanted to hold a hand and get support, an encouraging nod and a gentle smile in return, which neither happened......

From another person's perspective I had every thing that is needed to be happy, I had time, I had friends, I had money; but when I viewed my own image - I had time only to not know how or whom to spend with, I had friends only to know they are far away, I had money only to keep guessing where to spend on. I used to take leave from office thinking of rejuvenating myself but to find myself in a plethora of people in an upscale mall, finding that every other stair corner was occupied by couples exchanging gentle smiles, finding friends running amok trying to pull a prank, finding a happy family of four or three come to enjoy some quality time or a screening. Then when I looked at myself, I used to see that I am in the right place with people, with money and with time only guessing how to enjoy these three things; the people i never knew, the time which I had couldn't be shared and the money which I possessed was spent on some shopping for which nobody was there to share an opinion.....

The occasional evenings that I used to spend in the nearby park close to my house, I used to find clasping to fingers among palms, the general feeling of being wanted, being close and being cared for. I had everything - time, friends and money.... but not everything enough to fill the grooves of my palms.

Such a time comes in every body's life when one is left reeling for some one; some one to be with; some one whose company can be cherished, some one whose talks can be relentlessly listened to, some one whose flaws can never be visible, some one with whom peace can be realized.....

I had everything but I had nothing....... back then.